It's not my fault this happened. I don't have it in me to trust anymore. You ruined that. You're still not doing the right thing, and don't tell me I'm wrong. I know it's true.
It's not funny how the world works, though it has given me full incentive to finally cut ties with everyone. Time to make my move.
I went through and cleared out every post except for the three you see here.
This is the last post I make.
2/25/11
2/24/11
Almost done.
I've been having trouble lately with understanding basic human emotions. I feel, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm absent of any emotion; it's obvious that I'm not. I just haven't felt the good ones in a really long time. So long actually that I don't remember what it's like to feel well, or to not have a pit in my stomach. It's been like that ever since I was younger. A good feeling isn't something that I've ever been able to keep around for longer than brief moments.
The last few months have tried my patience with 'getting better' and 'fixing' myself. I guess I've been past the point of really thinking I can fix myself for awhile. Sometimes I just get hopeful that things will be better for me. My life isn't shit, my brain is. My 'relationships' are shit. I sit in my room every day; before, in-between and after classes. Alone. I like my time alone. I value it. When the time comes that I need to reach out, I do. I get in close, ruin whatever situation I get into, then get used to being alone all over again.
I'm stuck in a cycle. I try to think and decide what I want, or to understand myself. I can't do it. My mind doesn't work that way. I can't remember if I've ever been able to understand myself. Honestly, I don't know what it is to have deep rooted opinions in anything. In general I can like or dislike something, but to really understand and pick my own brain just doesn't work. It kills me to know that I can't 'think' like everyone else.
I give up.
The last few months have tried my patience with 'getting better' and 'fixing' myself. I guess I've been past the point of really thinking I can fix myself for awhile. Sometimes I just get hopeful that things will be better for me. My life isn't shit, my brain is. My 'relationships' are shit. I sit in my room every day; before, in-between and after classes. Alone. I like my time alone. I value it. When the time comes that I need to reach out, I do. I get in close, ruin whatever situation I get into, then get used to being alone all over again.
I'm stuck in a cycle. I try to think and decide what I want, or to understand myself. I can't do it. My mind doesn't work that way. I can't remember if I've ever been able to understand myself. Honestly, I don't know what it is to have deep rooted opinions in anything. In general I can like or dislike something, but to really understand and pick my own brain just doesn't work. It kills me to know that I can't 'think' like everyone else.
I give up.
10/28/09
Parisa
I miss you. I hate myself for not coming to visit at some point.
The last time I saw you was at your graduation party. I had so much fun. I met more Buttons there! It was all really exciting.
Out of all of the fucked up jokes I've heard in my life, you told one of the worst. I fear repeating it, it's probably not the right time to be talking about it or thinking about it for that matter. In retrospect it really showed how strong you were, so I might as well.
While talking to someone about some happening of the past, while they were reminiscing you stopped them mid sentence and said "I don't remember any of that.. You see, I used to have a really good memory, and then I got brain cancer." I was in shock, I didn't laugh. Horror showed on my face..
I don't remember when I met you, at all. I don't even remember if it was at Levy or not. I think it was at Nottingham but I could very well be wrong. We were never the closest, some people will probably think me writing this is weird because of that fact. Whatever. I have things I'd like to say.
I'm glad that I met you. You really brightened up a lot of my days in high school and everyone knows how hard that was.
I don't really know what else to say.
The pictures of us during the play, and at senior prom when we were Juniors. Excellent times. I still have to get the picture of us from OUR senior prom. If I see him Friday or Saturday I'll make sure to get a copy as soon as possible
I remember when I first found out about your cancer. Eben called me and woke me up, I could tell something was seriously wrong. He was so distraught. As soon as he said your name I started crying. For us not being the closest of friends it still hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really hard to see you after. Seeing you get sicker and sicker took it's toll on everyone, it destroyed me inside. I was terrified that every time I saw you would be the last. I really did try and avoid seeing you at times, tricking myself that it'd somehow keep you here longer. I was stupid. I wish I could have visited you at some point before, not to say goodbye, but just see what you were doing. I said what I needed to say to you opening night of Romeo and Juliet. You and Dan are two of the biggest inspirations in my life. You were so strong in such awful circumstances.
You mean a lot to so many people. I'm glad you no longer have to suffer.
The last time I saw you was at your graduation party. I had so much fun. I met more Buttons there! It was all really exciting.
Out of all of the fucked up jokes I've heard in my life, you told one of the worst. I fear repeating it, it's probably not the right time to be talking about it or thinking about it for that matter. In retrospect it really showed how strong you were, so I might as well.
While talking to someone about some happening of the past, while they were reminiscing you stopped them mid sentence and said "I don't remember any of that.. You see, I used to have a really good memory, and then I got brain cancer." I was in shock, I didn't laugh. Horror showed on my face..
I don't remember when I met you, at all. I don't even remember if it was at Levy or not. I think it was at Nottingham but I could very well be wrong. We were never the closest, some people will probably think me writing this is weird because of that fact. Whatever. I have things I'd like to say.
I'm glad that I met you. You really brightened up a lot of my days in high school and everyone knows how hard that was.
I don't really know what else to say.
The pictures of us during the play, and at senior prom when we were Juniors. Excellent times. I still have to get the picture of us from OUR senior prom. If I see him Friday or Saturday I'll make sure to get a copy as soon as possible
I remember when I first found out about your cancer. Eben called me and woke me up, I could tell something was seriously wrong. He was so distraught. As soon as he said your name I started crying. For us not being the closest of friends it still hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really hard to see you after. Seeing you get sicker and sicker took it's toll on everyone, it destroyed me inside. I was terrified that every time I saw you would be the last. I really did try and avoid seeing you at times, tricking myself that it'd somehow keep you here longer. I was stupid. I wish I could have visited you at some point before, not to say goodbye, but just see what you were doing. I said what I needed to say to you opening night of Romeo and Juliet. You and Dan are two of the biggest inspirations in my life. You were so strong in such awful circumstances.
You mean a lot to so many people. I'm glad you no longer have to suffer.
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