I've been having trouble lately with understanding basic human emotions. I feel, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm absent of any emotion; it's obvious that I'm not. I just haven't felt the good ones in a really long time. So long actually that I don't remember what it's like to feel well, or to not have a pit in my stomach. It's been like that ever since I was younger. A good feeling isn't something that I've ever been able to keep around for longer than brief moments.
The last few months have tried my patience with 'getting better' and 'fixing' myself. I guess I've been past the point of really thinking I can fix myself for awhile. Sometimes I just get hopeful that things will be better for me. My life isn't shit, my brain is. My 'relationships' are shit. I sit in my room every day; before, in-between and after classes. Alone. I like my time alone. I value it. When the time comes that I need to reach out, I do. I get in close, ruin whatever situation I get into, then get used to being alone all over again.
I'm stuck in a cycle. I try to think and decide what I want, or to understand myself. I can't do it. My mind doesn't work that way. I can't remember if I've ever been able to understand myself. Honestly, I don't know what it is to have deep rooted opinions in anything. In general I can like or dislike something, but to really understand and pick my own brain just doesn't work. It kills me to know that I can't 'think' like everyone else.
I give up.
been there. am there actually. you're not alone... keep hoping...
ReplyDeleteAnon is right. You are not alone and everyone has been there. Some people deny it, but really each one of us has been in a moment, or for some of us a bottomless pit, of loneliness, despair, confusion; it's sheer helplessness. And it's hard to get out of that situation, but finding something to fight for even if whatever it is might not even be real. It is something to hold onto while you try to stand again. In this time some people will try to push you back down into that hole and others will try to help you out of it. In understanding yourself, you must know that the soul cannot be see unless in action. You won't be able to understand yourself until you look at yourself through other people's eyes. I had to put aside my pride to notice all my flaws, and have I 'fixed' them all yet? No. It's hard to change who you are, because each person is made unique. There is no 'right way' of how people are or think. Don't give up because life is getting hard. This is the time where you battle through with every last ounce of energy and spirit you have left. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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